Friday, April 8, 2011

G is for Guilt Trip

My mother passed away on Christmas Day, 2010 after a three and a half month battle with pancreatic cancer. I was by her side the whole time and am comforted by the fact that she received some wonderful news just moments before she died. We had a volatile, but very close, relationship.

Over a month before she was diagnosed, I posted a blog called "The Guilt Trip: A Mother's Legacy to Her Daughter". It expressed some strong feelings I had at the time. Once she passed away, I debated about taking the post down out of respect for her, but decided against it - for two reasons: that blog represented feelings I had been dealing with my whole life and helped define my relationship with my mother, AND I refused to feel guilty about having those feelings at the time. I have learned that it is all right to accept our relationship as it was...full of passion, resentment, frustration, and love. Lots of love.

If you have time and would like to read it, click HERE. It's okay to laugh while reading it; I meant it to be lighthearted, though serious. I celebrate us: my mom and me everyday. I miss you, Mom.


welcome to my world of poetry said...

What a wonderful idea.
I lost both mymum and husband within 2 months and I find now instead of grief I can celebrate their lives and the love they gave to me.


Old Kitty said...

I'm so sorry for your mum's loss. I've just read your post from last August and think it's great that you are able to acknowledge and express your feelings about your mum and her, for want of a better term "emotional blackmail". Please don't take offence at that term. My disabled sister (who passed away in 2007) used to do the exact same thing - make me feel guilty into doing what she wants. It defined our relationship but it didn't mean I loved her any less. It just means that these days I am able to guard against this and not use it myself with anyone as I know exactly how it feels to be at the receiving end of such an emotional weapon.

Your son sounds amazing btw!! Take care

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Kelly .. you seem to have found the best way through - celebration of her life .. I did go through and read your post, left a comment .. our own feelings at times like these are so difficult ..

As Old Kitty says .. your son does sound an amazing kid - he appreciates value .... in many ways. With thoughts - Hilary

Connie said...

Hearing about your mom makes me grateful that I can be with mine (though lately it's been at the side of her hospital bed).

Thanks for sharing.

Laura Eno said...

Family relationships can be so difficult to deal with. It's good that you're able to express your feelings.

Angela Felsted said...

Yes, guilt. The most finely tuned weapon in a mothers arsenal. I think you're courageous to keep up that post.

J.L. Campbell said...

I also lost my mother some time ago and can relate to having a good, but sometimes turbulent relationship.

Elizabeth Mueller said...

Kelly, *HUGS* My heart goes out to you. I have a good friend who faced the same thing as you. She blogged about the death of her mother too. Here is her blogsite so you can connect with her. I'm sure you two would be the best of support for each other.

I'll keep you in my prayers, I know it isn't an easy thing.

Thank you for following my blog.


Pk Hrezo said...

Aw, I read your post. Isn't it funny how sometimes peeps just can't come out and say what they need? Like if your mom just would've asked you all those times, instead of laying on the guilt trip, maybe you wouldn't have harbored any resentment. But then again, who knows? My mom had a problem with communication. She'd wait til at the end of her rope and blow up at everyone. I judged her a lot as a teen, but now that I'm a mom I see her in a different light. And I know how hard it is to be a parent and do for everyone else around you with no one concerned for your needs.

I'm sorry you lost her when you did, but sounds like she loved you lots, despite the guilt trips. And wow kids still tease about Wal-Mart clothes, huh? I was hoping that died off. lol. mine are still too young to notice labels. But it's not far off. I sure hope Target gets the kid coolness approval!!! :)

Nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

Elliot Grace said... honorable post, and glad I stopped by.

You express your feelings well, and you've described your son as someone mature above his years:)


Kelly M. Olsen said...

Thank you, each and every one of you who took the time to comment...this has been therapeutic. I've never experienced the camaraderie as I have with this group of blog writers.

Yvonne, Connie, Laura, Angela and J.L, thank you for your thoughts.

Jennifer, Hilary and Elliot, yes, my son is wise beyond his years and a very thoughtful teenager. I'm blessed.

Elizabeth, thank you for sharing the link. I'll be sure to check out your friend's story.

And PK, yes, it would have prevented a lot of resentment if my mom had just asked me, instead of manipulating me, to do things. All that resentment disappeared the moment she went into the hospital, though.