Saturday, September 11, 2010

Transformations

Be careful what you ask for; you just may get it.

Oh how I wish I had all the answers to life's mysteries.  I wish I could guarantee my Mom that there is much more for her beyond this place - beyond this life; but it is only because of faith I can make that assumption.  After all, faith is the belief in something intangible - something that can't be proven.

Even with faith, I wish I could assure her that it is her faith that is the one that holds the truth; all the other faiths are riddled with faults and inaccuracies; but it is only because of the demographics of where she and I were born do we hold true our faith.  If we were born in some other part of the world, we could very well hold true Buddhism or Islam beliefs.

What I can tell her is that I understand her fears.  I can relate to is the possibility being ill enough to fear separation from your loved ones forever.  Such a real, paralyzing fear it is, for sure.  And what I can guarantee her is that we are all going to die; she is just one of the ones who knows by which means and that her time is shorter than she had hoped.

I've heard my mother say many times that she is sick, and tired, of being sick; that she doesn't know why God doesn't just take her.  Admittedly, I've asked myself the same about her.  I've felt for a long time that she's been living on borrowed time.

I've watched others lose loved ones unexpectedly - tragically - and have heard them proclaim that they wished they just had a little more time to tell them how they felt; that they wanted their dearly departed to know that they were loved.  As a funeral director, yes, I've seen and heard that much too often.

My mother found out today that she has incurable pancreatic cancer that has likely spread.  Not a good prognosis, by any stretch of the imagination.  She asked me tonight how she should react.  I told her that anything she was feeling was appropriate.  We all have a right to our feelings.  She's not sure the news has hit her yet, but I get a sense that it has.  I also get a resounding gut feeling that she is somewhat relieved - fear set aside - that someone has finally listened to her, and even though it is all a little too late, she has some resolution...some affirmation.

I'll be helping her make the most of the time she has left.  I have not been the ideal daughter.  Admittedly, I have had little patience with the choices she's made, or with understanding why she had chosen a solitary and, what I felt, was an unfulfilled life.  Complete and utter arrogance on my part.  I've always wanted more for her.  A healthier lifestyle, a rich and fulfilling circle of relationships, engaging hobbies, travel, even a love relationship.  For reasons of her own, she's chosen none of these.  Maybe or maybe not those choices have contributed to the situation she is in right now.  Who am I to say?  All I know know is that she is in the throws of the biggest and most difficult transition she will ever make.  I'll be standing there, holding her hand until it's complete.

I won't be blogging much in the close foreseeable future.  If I do, it will probably be about the transition I am going through, as well.  I appreciate your patience understanding.

Until next time,
Kelly

18 comments:

Old Kitty said...

I am truly sorry to hear about your mum. I've been there (the mother of my ex - a wonderful, lovely vibrant woman) albeit indirectly and do appreciate the emotional turmoil and catharsis that comes with this. I am truly sorry.

Please take care. I am lighting a candle in my heart for all of you.

x

Shallee said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I wish you the best in this trying time.

Lynda Young said...

Prayers for you and your mother

Misha said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mother.

I just want to say that the beauty about our faith is that it can sometimes become so tangible that you have no other choice but to believe what you do. God is merciful and will never keep her here for longer than she needs to be. This might seem a strange thing to say, but if you think about what you have gained from her time spent among us, I'm quite sure that you will thank God for not taking her sooner.

I have some idea about what you are going through, since I spent a large part of my life thinking that my Gran, who is a huge part of who I am, was going to die. She didn't but she's also coming to this stage where she's at the end of her life, but that's ok, since she lived her life to the full. She has very few regrets and has done a lot of what she wanted...

This comment was never been intended to be this long, but I just felt I have to send this message to you.

May God keep you safe in his arms and bring you peace.

I'll keep you both in my prayers.
Love,
Misha

Kelly M. Olsen said...

Shallee, Linda and Misha, thank you all for your kind words and well wishes for my mother. I never intended to use this blog to post something so personal but at the time I was a little overwhelmed and needed an outlet. I appreciate your comments and understanding.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Hi, Kelly. Your blog is beautiful. Thanks for stopping by and visiting mine.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother - I will keep you both in my prayers.

Mary Campbell said...

Wow deep stuff. So sorry about your mom. How hard it must be to know you might die and not have the faith that there's something beyond. I'm so grateful I have the faith that this life is not the end. Thank you for visiting my blog.

Andrea Franco-Cook said...

Kelly I am so sorry to read about your mother's illness. I will keep both of you in my prayers.

Zoe C. Courtman said...

Kelly, my heart goes out to you and your family. What a poignant post - here's a virtual hug :D

(By the way, the award thing is easy. Just right click the image on my blog, and save the image somewhere you can find it. Most blog awards have little rules, and this one was to pass it on to 15 others (but you can ALWAYS break rules; bloggers do it all the time. 15 is a lot of work, so you might just want to do, like, three.) Anyway, when you go into blogger and create a new post, write the post up, and then click the image button at the top of the new post. Then you'll be taken to your computer files; just select the blog award image and then click 'OK'. Then it appears in the post. If you want to put it in your sidebar, go into blogger and I think it's under Settings or something like that. Same deal, browse for the image and then pop it in :D Email me if you need help!!)

Janet Johnson said...

What more can a mother ask than that her children will be by her to the end? Beautiful post.

My deepest sympathies. Faith is definitely what gets us through times like these. ((hugs))

Jemi Fraser said...

I'm so sorry to read about your mom's condition. It's so incredibly hard to watch a loved one suffer like this. Take care.

Kelly M. Olsen said...

Thank you Janet and Jemi for your kind words, and for following my blog. I appreciate it. Kelly

Claire Dawn said...

I wonder if there is such a thing as "an ideal daughter."

I will keep your mother in my prayers.

PS, While I believe that my faith is the right one, I'm reminded of something George Bernard Shaw said, "Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it." And faith is like that too.

MT said...

Kelly, I'm so sorry about the trouble you and your mom have to carry right now. Sending our prayers your way.

Cheryl said...

Kelly, I'm sorry about your mother.

This is no time for regrets but for building memories. If you need to forgive, forgive. If she needs to complain, let her. Both of you can become closer by accepting the circumstances and dealing with them together.

I'll be thinking of you.

Kelly M. Olsen said...

Thank you, MT and Cheryl. I appreciate your concern and well-wishes. They'll be moving Mom to palliative care soon. I'll keep you all updated. Everyone is in good spirits despite the situation.

Lola Sharp said...

I am So sorry to read about your mother. *hugs* I hope the remaining time you have left with her is spent having fun, making peace.

Love,
Lola

Debbie said...

This is the first time I have read your blog. It was very touching. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, but I am sure it must be a great comfort for her to know that you will be there holding her hand for as long as she needs you. Take care.